A Needs Based Conversation

 

 

a Michael L. Craver story

As time goes on, I find myself writing less. Developing ideas through conversation, making notes, and thinking about them often suffices. There was a period in my life where I spent most evenings in silence, but writing anything that motivated me. This helped ask myself objective questions about all thoughts; breaking down various points of view to see where I could be misguided.

For a couple years this written process had evolved to audio recordings. Thinking out loud with no regard for length. Even then, I had notes ahead of the occasion to remind me of key elements I needed to juxtapose to find the truth. The goal was always to unpack all possibilities and find out what I believed after scrutinization.

This statement is always true, “I have never been older than today.” Since 1982, I’ve been gathering memories and continuing the quest to maintain the most consistent balance of peace possible. Any moment where there’s a thought about not being ready for something – I quickly reconcile the idea with knowing I had all my life to prepare.

Cost is a word associated with choices made along the way. Suppose a person is no longer part of your circle because other priorities carry greater value. I don’t consider this a sacrifice. We must consider what is there and perhaps will no longer be. Trading up increases the overall equity of life. There is not a proverbial loss attached to the transaction, as I see it.

Previously I wrote- there are some people we love more than the truth. Imperfect relationships require a complex evaluation of happiness. Hopefully, someone who can be an unpredictable burden also carries some offset of reward. Lifting your spirit but draining resources that would balance life without them. Forever relocating time and energy to pay the cost of companionship.

Even now, I struggle with the process to write out things I’ve already concluded. Listening to piano music and watching fingers connect with keyboard guided by the power of song. The sounds dancing through my nervous system like colors from a disco ball moving with fluidity.

The upgrade of serenity- motionless until each key resonates in my ear. Like the movements of flowers guided by the breeze, finding the steps of this impromptu dance. Still the body remains in a state of rest. Any time less is happening, concentration is easier. Trading out the unnecessary brings focus closer.

As time passes these principles apply to more than white noise. Companionship is vetted under the same guidelines. Any attempts to form partnerships can clash with peace. Like solving a Rubik’s cube, where moving pieces risk already established progress on other sides. I don’t believe history nor possibility are villains in my story. As a handsome, and perhaps wiseman, said, “a colonoscopy is not meant to harm you, only to analyze.”

 Reflection is perhaps my favorite exercise. An opportunity to second guess choices. This happens automatically when two conditions exist: my hands are working and there’s no music. At other junctures I’m sitting behind this keyboard analyzing my journey. What’s been achieved in lieu of the damage done. What would my Father think of things…

Some of these moments reach an intersection about purpose. Who am I living for and whether it should go on this way. This is where I’ve continued to select change. Temporary illusions can soften the floor with a quicksand of shame. Mistakes are the lapses between momentum where we’re shifting gears. Recovery is possible.

Hundreds of songs provide scripture during silent seconds of emptiness. The weight of patience finds exit during a long exhale where the clutch releases. Often, we need to slow down and work on routines. Still, acceleration tempts us with risk vs reward. My life expectancy means most decisions will never see another opportunity to get it right.

Acceptance is quite a treacherous minefield of carrying your identity through explosive judgments. Seeing the scope of damage from errors can eliminate every confidence. Inversely, coming to terms with success is an important motivational skill. Struggling to keep civility while knowing time is fleeting.

Internally conflicted about when to break the rules of etiquette. Yearning to save another’s time weighed against learning from their own failures. Would I feel as knowledgeable if someone had given me shortcuts along the way?

The library of life experience means each moment has a backdoor opportunity for analyzation. At times, I find myself resembling my ancestor’s front-porch distance to any issue. Jovial emotions expecting a possible loss, while always hoping for a win.

Supervision is a privilege. My children have developed their own ingenuity to thrive while being creative. Working alongside bright personalities eases any speed bumps along the way. Layering receptiveness with motivation is undoubtedly my favorite formula.

Even so, I don’t quite practice this philosophy. There is graduation or credibility I feel necessary before listening to feedback. Anyone can be affected, but I can be somewhat deaf when feeling what decision is best for the situation. Perhaps this is trial by fire.

Trips to the grocery store take the competition with myself on tour. Finding fresh ways to both compare value and disregard bad habits. At the time where inflation is at its greatest, I’m taking home the healthiest choices while spending less than ever.

A few years ago, I had the privilege of discussing jobs trends with my grandparents. When sharing the parts where we’d disagreed with my mother – she told me how I was always looking to the future. This put into perspective some of the friction I experience on a daily basis. Choosing an alternate path and hoping to see everyone on the other side.

A moment of realization came drawing for Secret Santa, I waited, so anyone could hand-pick their pals. The final name in the batch was my own. Opened and closed so many times, the wrinkles began to wear away the ink. My lesson: pick yourself, no one else will.